Little Kids, Little Problems, Big Kids, Big Problems: Navigating Parenting with Teens and Beyond

I remember complaining about something when I had my first two to my father-in-law. I don't even remember what it was about, but most likely nap time or sleeping through the night. As I was going on and on about what I thought was the end of the world in parenting, my father-in-law turned to me and said, "little kids, little problem, big kids, big problems." It wasn't until my oldest went to high school that I started to get it. I thought I had it down, but to my surprise, there are still so many problems, even when they are adults. You no longer worry about them making friends in kindergarten, or will they ever pronounce their "r" s, or if that boy they like will ask them to the dance, or the lousy grade they got will prevent them from going to the college of their dreams. You will have all that replaced with, how will I pay for college, how will my child get a loan, how can I console them and make them happy when their boyfriend goes to marine boot camp during a start of a war, or even how will they pay rent if they haven't worked all summer. Yes, we lived through them all. And so will you! Parenting is tough, and I want to let all you parents know that I am here to support you. It is hard, and no one really talks about it. There aren't any mommy/daddy groups for teen parents like they have for little kid parents. Most parents are busy running around with their kids, trying to do their best, and I hear, "why am I failing at this"? Well, I am here to let you all know that you ARE NOT failing and ARE NOT alone. Let me share some things I learned and am still doing that you might find helpful when parenting teens and "adults."

Do Not Try to Be Their Friend

Yup, I said it! And I know I am going to get some backtalk about this one, but I am a firm believer that you cannot be your child's friend until they are completely financially free. Why, you ask? Because even if they are in college or moved out, chances are that you are still supporting them financially and emotionally. You must remember that their brains aren't fully developed even at the age of twenty, and there will be a degree of parenting that will need to be done. For example, my husband and I had to make the hard decision of not taking out yet another college loan for our firstborn as she needed to learn some hard adult lessons. Did she like this? NO! She was devastated, but she needed to learn these lessons somehow. We cannot always be bailing her out. So as I said, even at twenty, I am not done parenting her, and I am sure there will still be many lessons for her to learn until she is ready to be my friend.

Set Clear Boundaries and Stick to Them

This was a hard one for me, and I am not going to lie. Boundaries are hard to hold, and it can be trying and hard to stick with them. The teen/adult child will not like them and fight back. It is so easy to just give in! I have definitively done that at times, but after some much-needed therapy, I learned how to hold my boundaries while showing my children that I still love them. So, if you have a rule that your college-aged child still needs to do chores when they live with you, hold that boundary. If you say to your teen that curfew is 11 pm, then make sure they know that you are not kidding. Don't be afraid to hold them accountable and give out a natural consequence for not respecting your boundary. What my teens/adult children learned is to hold their own boundaries. So, if a roommate is not cleaning up the rental, it's ok to say something. If a roommate is waking you up in the middle of the night each night, it's ok to set a boundary. If you struggle with this like I once did, that is ok, but try as hard as you can to start setting boundaries now. I am here to say that your kids will kick and scream, but, in the end, you are gifting them the gift of self-love and care.

Do Not Do Things for Them, Instead Guide Them and Let Them Learn on their Own

My oldest had to file taxes this year, and she wanted me to do them. She did not like my response when I told her that I would guide her, but I was not doing it for her. It's my job to make sure she learns on her own how to do her taxes and handle her finances. My other daughter had a housing issue and begged me to call; once again, I said I could be around for the call, but she had to do it. We started in middle school. Doing your own laundry, cooking alongside a parent, properly cleaning, checking tire pressures, checking the car oil, making sure insurance is paid on the car, and so on. I wanted to send my kids off to college knowing they could do things for themselves and handle resolving issues. My son just started middle school, and he already asked me to reach out for his log-in; well, for the first time ever, he heard mom say, "you have to do it." So as your kids grow, make sure to let them practice doing adult things with you by their side instead of doing everything for them and expecting them to magically know what to do. And although it was not fun having to nag them or tell them no, they have both thanked me and called to tell me some very interesting stories about what their peers do not know what to do.

Make Them Pay Bills

Any bill. Pick a bill and have them responsible for it. It doesn't have to be huge, and it should be covered by a couple of hours of work, but give them a bill. They will quickly learn that expenses are not fun and will understand when you complain about doing bills. I started with car insurance. It wasn't a huge amount monthly, but it ensured that my kids actually knew what to expect as they entered adulthood. This year my oldest signed her first lease, and although I am worried that she won't be able to make rent, I have to sit back and let her learn how to budget. For the first time ever, she understood why I complained about wasting food or not turning off the lights.

Actively Listen to Their Problems

Yes, I said actively. Don't try to have an answer or solution before you hear them out. Listen and then ask if they would like a solution or if they were just venting. They will let you know. And some of the problems you might find small, and for them, they are big, but others are indeed big, and they need your help. So, if your child, like mine, decided to register for classes late and the class she needed wasn't available, I actively listened. I could have said, "I told you so," but what would that do? Nothing. She vented, and I offered that she registers earlier the next semester when she asked what she was supposed to do. Sometimes they will come with friendship issues, sometimes health scares, and other times personal issues that they just need to run by you. So just listen and be there. You are their safe space. If you start this early, they will let you in when they are older.

Try to Stay Calm When They Confess or Do Something Bad

I have preached from early childhood that if my children told me the truth or came for help, I would help and stay calm. What will make me mad and have me hand out a consequence was lying or not asking for appropriate help when in a dangerous situation. So, I have said things like, "if you are at a party and your designated driver is drinking, please call me at any time of the night, and I will come, no questions asked. And I will not be mad; I will be proud". And if you smash the car, come, and talk to me, we can resolve it. Don't blame others or let me learn that you lied to me about it. This has created trust, and my daughters even overshare sometimes, but I love it as I know what is going on with them and if they need help. Remember to try your best to stay calm. You might say, well, what if they break curfew, or drink or do something stupid; they will, but if they come to you or call for help, it opens a door for a conversation if you stay calm and not punish.

Do Not Always Bail Them Out

Yes, counterintuitive after I just talked about helping them resolve their issues. But what I mean here is if you already discussed a problem or have offered help and they still went on to make a mistake, you don't always have to bail them out. So, if my daughter is not doing well in a class, after I already offered help or showed her where to go for resources, I will have to let her get that lousy grade if she doesn't get the help she needs. Sometimes natural life consequences teach them a lot more than all the words and tales you can tell them. I am not saying don't help, offer solutions or listen to them, but let them make those mistakes now while they are young and learn from them.

Practice Self Care

Please practice self-care during this time. Remember to reach out to friends and vent about those crazy kids. You will learn that you are not alone in this, and each teen/adult child has their own set of challenges. Do not take their shortcomings as yours. Take time, reflect when you were complaining about nap time, laugh about it, and know that even the most perfect teens/adult children still give their perfect parents a hard time. This week alone was a tough one for me as one is adjusting to a new school, one is handling challenges as a first-year college student, and one that might potentially need to take a semester off. So, what did I do? I had a wonderful breakfast date with my friend and vented it out as she vented her own adult-child issues. Practice self-care, whatever that may be for you and give yourself a pat on the back for getting them this far. All these weeks' events will be little problems soon as new bigger ones arise as they grow and mature. You got this!!!!!!!