Parenting Teens Like a Pro: 10 Honest Tips for Surviving the Rollercoaster Ride of Adolescence
Parenting teens is super hard, and I feel like not everyone talks about it. There are so many new mommy/parent support groups and playgroups that a parent of little kids can join, but there are not a lot of resources for parents of teens. While raising my first teenager, I always felt lost and lonely. I felt that I was the only one going through this, that I had no idea what I was doing, and that everyone had it figured out but me. Well, let me tell you, after many hours of therapy and reaching out to my friends and community, I have learned that, indeed, I was not the only one. Most teen parents felt this and just didn’t know where to go, how to handle this, and who to reach out to. I am not claiming to be an expert, and yes, we went through ups and downs, but I did think of the 10 ten tips I wish I knew when raising our teens.
1. Don't try to be your teen's best friend, be their parent.
I know it's tempting to want to be your teen's best friend, but if you want to be a good parent, you really have to let go of that urge. I felt really guilty about this for a while until I realized that I wasn’t raising my best friend but someone that is going to flourish in the community and one day will be my best friend.
Kids need parents—not friends. And while it can be tempting to give your teen everything they want, it's important to remember that your job as a parent is to set boundaries and make sure they don't step over them. Face it, in real life, they are not going to get everything they want. They will have to be respectful, resourceful, and need to follow other people’s boundaries. I remember being afraid that if I don’t give them everything, they won’t want to be my friends when they grow up, guess what, that is not the case. They learned to respect me like my friend would, and they saw me as a person they can turn to when they need help setting boundaries in their lives.
So when your teen asks for something, try asking yourself: "Does this fit with my values? Am I comfortable with what this means for my child's development?" If the answer is no, then say no. If the answer is yes, then work together with your teen to find an alternative way that fits both of your needs.
I know that it may seem like a lot of work now, but in the long run, it will keep everyone happy and healthy—and it will build trust between the two of you!
2. Be open about sex and drugs.
Yes, you are reading this right! I know that this is going to be controversial, and some parents might not agree, but I think it is super important to be open about sex, drugs, and alcohol with your teens.
They will be learning about this from their peers, social media, and other platforms that you might actually not want them to learn about these topics. Not only can they provide misinformation, but they can encourage behaviors you will not be ok with.
I have always talked openly about sex, alcohol, and drugs with my children and even more with my teens. It has fostered a relationship where they can trust me with any issue that they might have on any of those topics, from peer pressure to significant other pressures to just body issues that need to be addressed.
I can write a whole blog about this, and I think I will, but for now, I suggest you focus on talking openly about these topics whenever they arise or not. If you are watching a movie and a subject comes up, talk about it. If your teen comes to you and asks about a topic, don’t shy away from it or make it awkward; just answer in a positive way. Bonus if you can open up and tell it from your side to create an even stronger bond. Remember that opening up and talking about this now will create an environment where your teen and young adult can comfortably come to you with any personal issue they might have.
3. Don't be afraid to say "No"
Your teen will test you and your boundaries almost every day. They will ask for everything they can. Can I go to the party? Can I have a cell phone? Can I sleep over on a weeknight? Can I have a social media account?
I was faced with these and many more questions every day. I was told on a daily basis how unfair I was, crazy, and just didn’t understand. Well, I did understand, and I calculated my family values, rules, and experience as well as each child’s personality to make decisions I was comfortable sticking with.
For the past year, I have been told by my third child that everyone, and I mean everyone, has a cell phone. Our family rule is no cell phone until you are in the sixth grade, and we had to stick with it. Our older daughters had this rule, and I wasn’t going to budge as we had good reasoning for this rule. I found it interesting that the older girls would confirm that this rule was good and that, indeed, I do stick to my words. Today marks an important day as my third got his first cellphone, and I guess the kids know that I stick to the rules as my youngest, instead of begging for one sooner, is counting down the days until he is in sixth grade.
Saying “no” as a parent is ok and even a must. Teaching your teens that they will be told no in the future and there are reasons for it will help them understand that in life, there is time for a yes and a time for a no. So don’t be afraid; they will respect you for it in the future and know that you gave them a huge gift in life as they themselves will need to learn to say no to others as well.
Also, don’t be afraid to argue and fight with them, but remember that it’s their job to push back on your rules and boundaries, so don’t take it personally when they do so (they may not even know why they are doing it).
4. If possible, set aside some "alone" time with each child — maybe once a week— so that he or she feels valued as an individual with thoughts and feelings of his or her own
Teens will rarely ask to hang out with you, well, unless they want something, lol. You will find that they want to be with their friends or in their rooms for most of their days. However, they indeed crave time with their parents and one on one time. They might fight you on it, but once they are out there with you, you can see them just open up.
I try to learn about each of my children and what they are interested in. Then with that info, I will confidently walk into their room, not get discouraged when they tell me to get out, and state that we are doing xyz and be ready at a certain time. Now don’t do this if you know for sure they had plans or are studying, but when you see that they have a sliver of time. There are kids, like one of my teens, that are actually open to planning a one-on-one adventure, so you don’t always have to drag them out.
It is important to have this alone time with each child as this is a time when you can actively listen to them and only them. Listen to the music they like, listen about their friends, listen about that annoying teacher or tough coach. Listen!!!!! You will feel the need to give advice or point out the obvious, but don’t! Teens will let you know when they need you to speak, but this one-on-one time is a space where they have your undivided attention and will bring you into their world. Having this alone time will strengthen your relationship, therefore you will really know who your child is, what your teen loves, and be there for any support they need without the whole family being involved.
5. Love them unconditionally – even if they make bad choices or live a different life than you would have wanted for them because loving them unconditionally opens up opportunities for growth and change in ways that may not be possible otherwise; love is the strongest motivator for change!
When your children are born, they are an extension of you. You instill your values, thoughts, and lifestyle in them as they grow. Little kids like to imitate parents and be just like them. Who doesn’t love that!
Teens are a whole different story. Let them be who they are. Recognize that, indeed they are individuals and don’t have to be just like you. Actually, you don’t want them to be! You want them to be their authentic and happy self. This was a tough one for me to learn, I will be honest. Why didn’t my teen love soccer like I did, why is she shaving her hair off, what is she wearing???? Turns out, she was just being herself. Once I realized this, I let go, encouraged her, and let her know I will always be there for her no matter what!
There will be mistakes made and even bad choices, but if your teen knows that you will love them no matter what, they are more prone to come to you and open up as to how to solve the problem and learn from it. There were times I was mad or disappointed, and I let my teens know, but I also never let them forget that I love them no matter what, and that we can get through this together.
6. Trust them, but verify! Trust that they will make good decisions and choices, but verify that they are making good decisions and choices by checking in with them often (this can mean asking them what they did or didn’t do after an event/activity or checking their phone or social media accounts).
Trust is super important in any relationship, especially with your teens. You want to trust them, and they want to show you that you can. This makes them feel independent and allows for personal growth. What I learned most about trusting my kids is that they actually wanted to be honest and tell me things as they felt that I truly believed them.
This is going to be controversial again, but I do not track my kids. I have had many conversations with parents who just didn’t understand why. What if they get lost, kidnapped, don’t answer their phone, or go to the party that you told them not to? Listen, we were all teenagers, and where there is a will, there is a way. They are smart, trust me, can navigate those trackers better than we can, and in my opinion, tracking them just shows them how little you do trust them.
Instead, what I did was ask my kids to call me when they got to their destination, let me know when they are leaving, texting me a pic of the friends they are with (thus verifying their story), and letting them know that it is easier to maintain trust than to rebuild it. One of my children learned this the hard way, and let me tell you, it was not easy for her to rebuild this trust, but she did and now will even overshare the details of what’s going on. Now, if you repetitively catch them in lies and not doing what they are supposed to do, that is another issue that we can address in a different blog.
But with all this said, trust your teen; give them an opportunity for them to show you that they indeed want to be trustworthy.
7. Set clear expectations for behavior/boundaries at home & school/work/church/social settings/etc., but don’t over-react if those expectations aren’t met in the moment; give consequences for breaking the rules (grounding) but don’t lecture or belittle the teen.
It is supernatural and normal for teens to want to test boundaries. They think they know everything and are adults. Little do they know there is still a lot of development that has to happen for them to be full-grown adults (and I don’t mean being 18).
Just like toddlers and school-aged children, teens need rules and boundaries. If possible, meet with your teen and have them be in the process of making the rules. For example, you want them home at 10 pm, but they want 10:30pm; unless there is a driving curfew where you live, I don’t think it is unreasonable to negotiate this rule. Others are, of course, non-negotiable. So set the negotiable ones together and express the nonnegotiable in a clear manner.
Your teen will intentionally and non-intentionally sometimes break a rule or boundary. Try to stay calm so you can reasonably give a consequence. I have found that setting the consequence while setting the rule or boundary is super helpful since you won’t have to rely on your emotions and will have a clear plan. So, if coming home late means not going out for a few nights, you and your teen already have this in the plan.
When they do mess up, and they will, don’t lecture or belittle them; just stick to the plan. They will eventually learn to think more carefully when debating crossing a boundary or breaking the rule. They might even surprise you and come to talk to you about a rule change and give you valid reasons why. Whatever you do, do not go back on your word, this will only teach your teen that they can indeed get away with anything and will not respect any of the family rules and boundaries.
8. Take time to listen before you speak – really listen!
A lot of times our teens just want to be heard. One of my daughters is notorious for calling just to vent things out. So, I just listen and confirm to her that I am there to let her get it all out. When she is done, I genuinely know what the issue is and if she needs advice. Most often, she will ask. But sometimes, she will just want to know there is someone she can talk to without judgment and in a space where she can be herself.
Take the time to listen before you speak. Allow yourself to really pay attention to what your teen is trying to say so maybe you can see it from their point of view. This really fosters a strong bond and opens up a lifelong relationship where your child will feel heard and confident that you are a person they can turn to.
9. Teach them life skills and that there are many paths in life that define success.
I was truly astonished to learn that there are teens that do not know how to cook, do their laundry, change their tires, and many more life skills. When visiting colleges with my oldest I almost fainted when one of the tour guides announced that it’s ok if you don’t know how to do your laundry, someone will teach you when you get on campus. My kids have always thought I was unfair that I made them cook, clean up after themselves, know when their car needs service, know how to bank and use their checking accounts, and much more. Teens need to learn life skills, and as a parent, it is your job to teach them.
Another thing that I always told my teens is to choose a path in life that is best for them, not their peers, teachers, or school districts. I encourage my kids to actually see what they are interested in and if college is the right choice for them. This takes away the pressure of having to go, get into the perfect college, or having to do what their peers are doing. There are many paths in life that your teen can take that will make them successful, and the definition of this will be different for everyone. So don’t pressure them; they have enough pressure already, and let them know that there are many paths in life they can take that will make them feel fulfilled.
10. Don't try to solve problems for your teen; instead, help him, or her learn how to solve problems on his or her own
This one is going to be a tough one for most parents. We are programmed to take care of our children, protect them, and help them in any way we can. Unfortunately, that is not the case for teens. If you do not allow them to learn how to problem solve on their own, their journey into adulthood will be hard.
My daughters were so upset when I told them that as teens, they had to call the doctor to set their appointments, chat with their teachers when they have an issue, and correct their own mistakes. That does not mean that they couldn’t come to me for advice, guidance, and talk things out, but I was no longer going to do certain things for them.
Set your teen up for success by teaching them how to problem solve and do things on their own. They won’t always know what to do or how to handle a situation, but with your guidance, they will build the confidence to eventually do it on their own. It won’t happen overnight, but it will!
Enjoy it because time really does move quickly.
Raising teenagers is hard work. If you are there, know that I am here to support you. Ask me any questions or let me know what topic you are struggling with. I am sure I had to deal with it to. The one thing I will say is don’t let them isolate too much, insist on those times spent together and just try to enjoy them when you can. Also have a strong sense of humor to deal with some of the things that come up with teens in tow.
